s e l f l o v e

Not a very good start, huh?
A promise to update weekly and then an immediately broken promise haha. So sorry for the absence guys. It has been a very busy two weeks work wise as well as personally and I am actually exhausted right now but every time I remember I haven't updated, I feel guilty haha. So here I am.

Just a quick update on what I've been up to for you curious nosy people out there 😉

Outside of my pretty hectic work schedule, the other thing that has been keeping me occupied would be me setting myself up to meet up with and spend quality time with a few people who are very close to my heart especially since I'll be leaving soon for studies. (Flights are finally booked fyi! If you want the info contact me personally.)

My Breeze Magazine boss, Dino and myself at Miss Sabah Tourism Finals 2016

That ^ would be work. Haha. Okay so half the time working with Dino doesn't exactly feel like work. But there is definitely the other half which requires me to spend hours in front of a Microsoft Word document on my computer or proofreading other things on email and such. Just this week we've spent some really long hours just reading and rereading the articles for this month's issue for 3 days. But I came to the realisation that I never once regretted taking up this job.
I feel like work should be like this. That even though there are undoubtedly times where you're tired to the bones and could really use some sleep (preferably for a week straight) you still get up to go to work not just out of necessity but because it's something that drives you and pushes you forward. My boss Dino is a living representation of this. (Please get some sleep Dino.)

Also, like I said, I've been meeting up some really good friends as well as friends I haven't seen in a while.

In case you noticed the similarities, no I am not biased towards having friends who wear glasses, have have swept a certain way, like posing with the ✌ sign and are also of the male gender. But yeah those were some really good catch up times haha. That last picture was with 80% of the girls in the cell I co-lead at youth! It's really been such an honour and privilege to see them grow since I first started sharing with them. Ruth and I brought them out and blessed them with sushi. 😊

At this moment I still have about 3 meetups already planned and about 3 more to be planned and carried out before I leave. BUT, thankfully (albeit sadly) I'll be stopping at my full-time job next week so I'll be free-er. Haha.

Okay that was a very scatter-brained update. But I hope it's enough for now aha.

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I entitled this blog post "self love" because it's something that I know everybody struggles with at one point or another and it is something that I myself have been grappling with.

For most of my life, I lived believing that if I do better, if I act a certain way, people will accept me and people will compliment me and in receiving such compliments and acceptance, I will feel better about myself.

I don't really ever remember being skinny and I will always remember trying to copy dressing styles off of friends who were 'popular' or 'on trend'. But well, I was never quite as well off and some of those clothes and hairstyles, well they cost quite a bit of money. Remember in 2006 when the 'in' thing was to have stick straight hair and side swept bangs? Yeah I wanted that so badly. Ultimately, now I am glad I never got my hair rebonded because I would have lost my natural waves and well, it would have been extra damage underneath me damaging my hair by dying it so often haha.

Before, when I was a kid, I think I may have been skinny? When I look back at pictures, yeah I'd say now that I wasn't too big sized. But boy did I believe I was fat.

So, unsurprisingly I grew up with many insecurities. And this did a big number on my ego initially. I was always trying to cover up my need for acceptance by being very bossy. It was either that or I was grovelling for sympathy from my friends. Saying I was sad, not well off, or whatever. I lied through my teeth so often and so easily to get some sort of comfort either in praise or sympathy that it just became a part of me. All this to just be able to fit in. There was plenty of false humility and false inflated ego. No in between.

I'm not sure when this started or why it happened, but I went through it. Now, with all this happening in primary school, by the time I really hit puberty in Form 1, I was a depressed, awkward, fake mess. I'd like to believe that I hid this well, but I also know that to those who looked closely, they could see how cracked I was and how I was always barely holding on to myself. All this was evident in the way I was dating one guy and then another and then another and then another and how I was still lying. Honestly, I don't think I had much of a break in between some of them. But then again, why would I have wanted a break? I had convinced myself into believing that their words, touch, affection, acceptance, want for me, was what was keeping me from killing myself every other day.

Now I look back and I realised that miraculously I hadn't done it all just for selfish ambition. Most of the guys I dated were in one way or another "broken" or needed fixing of some sort (in my eyes at that time). One smoked, one had asthma, one was insecure etc etc. Of course, now I realise I could not have possibly been the one to "fix" them because I myself was so broken. In fact, in one or two cases I believe I might have made things worse.

On top of that, as I grew older I began to realise that I wasn't the only one really hurting and I believe that that moment when I saw how hurt the world was was when I really turned off my concern for myself and threw myself completely into helping others and reaching out to those who felt so similarly to how I did.

That was in no way healthier than what I was doing previously because then I was completely ignoring the fact that I too, needed help.

When I hit 18 and had made enough mistakes and accumulated enough hurt to last a lifetime, my eyes really opened. How could I help and reach out to those lost, when I myself had no direction? So that year, I buckled down and really really focused on learning to better and love myself.

It really hasn't been all sunshine and happiness since then. Every now and again I'd still feel the depression trying to creep back in; especially in the form of negative thoughts. Honestly, some days are better than others. But not all days are great. Which is the truth because this is real life and there is no such thing as happily ever after. You will get sad, you will fall down, you will hurt, you will get angry. But really it is how you handle yourself and the situation after that that determines how you get through after that. Like I said in my previous post, attitude. It really makes a difference.

Since then, I've been doing a few things that have really helped in aiding me in accepting and learning to love myself. I know that I am by no means skinny. And I am well aware that much of the male population doesn't find my body type "hot" or "beautiful". There was a time where this would have hurt a lot and where I would have just fallen in love with any ol' guy who calls me beautiful. But now I know that as cliche as it is, I know that if I can love myself through my actions, my intentions, my interests and such, I can believe I am beautiful and someone special out there will see that too.

Here is a massive tip to loving yourself: it's all in your head. And whatever you believe in your head, needs to have a balance. You need to love yourself and believe you are good enough and only getting better. You need to be proud of yourself and all you've survived and achieved so far. You need to be able to look in the mirror, look past the flesh and be happy of what you've done. At the same time you need to be humble, accepting praise yet being able to say and know that there is still more to learn, more to achieve, more to reach for (basically, don't become big headed airhead.)

Personally, when I work on myself, one of the biggest motivating factors for me is this: I want to be, the best that I can be to attract the best kind of people for me. Now this bit is a little bit tricky. It's easy to just say "I want to be the kind of lady/guy that guys/ladies like." because truthfully, the world is full of very colourful personalities. If you just claim that, then you're gona be very focused on improving just your flesh. Because whether we like it or not, people definitely look at the outward appearance. But you need someone who will do more than just look at you and say hot damn. What is the point of having someone if you can't even share your passions, your interests, humour, humanity. That's why I specifically say "the best kind of person for me".

Too many times, I've fallen for someone merely because they play an instrument well (you gotta admit, it's pretty hot), or are cute physically but when it came down to personality, we had dirt in common.

Nowadays, I am grateful because I am happier with what interests me (comics and music), and more often than not I look in the mirror and feel better about my body. But it is an ever constant work-in-progress. There are still more days than I'd like to admit where I look at the mirror and feel absolutely shattered. But I am sure that one day I'll be able to look in the mirror and feel more proud than sad.

So if you'd like to continue reading (congratulations again, on reading through that mess haha) I'd like to share some tips on how to improve yourself and also to increase your self love.

STEP 1: WORK ON IT. 

Whatever it is that you're unhappy about, it's really pointless to just sit around and sulk about it. So get up, go to the gym, go for a run, pick up a book, read, gain knowledge. You'd be surprised how proud you'll feel of yourself after the first day. Take that healthy pride and use it to push yourself forward and dont. give. up.

STEP 2: SURROUND YOURSELF WITH GREAT PEOPLE.

This, is my second brother's girlfriend. Whom I've grown quite attached to. She visited recently and honestly she's just great. Even by just sitting and listening to me talk about work or my boss or my feelings she gives me such encouragement. My boss, Dino is also a great encouragement. His trust in me really does wonders for my self esteem. Surround yourself positivity and learn how to be infected by it. Allow it to influence you. Don't question it.

STEP 3: STAY HUMBLE AND THANKFUL.

This, is my eldest brother haha. And he's been one of my biggest rolemodels when it comes to humility. My brother is talented, smart, and athletic. But he's one of the most down to earth and wise people I know. Sometimes, it's a little hard to read him. But when he lives out his life,  by his actions you could never doubt him. 

I've learnt that when I open my eyes, see the great friends I'm surrounded with, the house I am able to stay in, the food I am able to eat everyday, it does wonders for my happiness. When you can see blessings in the small things, your outlook on life becomes brighter. 

STEP 4: FIND SOMETHING THAT WORKS FOR YOU.

*lowkey trying to show off my new glasses haha*

Our world is so focused on trying to fit in that we all dress the same, act the same and even enjoy eating and drinking similar things. 

The truth is, not everyone looks good in that dress, but even if that dress doesn't work for you, you could werk some other skirt that those who look good in that dress can't pull off. 

The truth is, not everyone is a size 2. And that is totally okay. 

The truth is, you can like whatever food you want to like. Just because your best friend likes vanilla coke doesn't mean you have to be all over it when deep down you despise it.

Find things that bring out your best side and reminds you of how unique and how you can totally slay. 

STEP 5: BE THE BIGGER PERSON. 

I don't have a picture for this one sorry but this is really fundamental. Have you ever seen a waiter's face light up when you thank them for something small like bringing you your drink? Some people don't think it's necessary because "it's their jobs ma, need thank wat?" but really, if you were in their position, you'll feel very unappreciated. When you witness them appreciating your appreciation, I guarantee it'll make yourself feel better about yourself. Sometimes, it's a little harder to carry out this step because not everyone whom you give kindness to, returns it. But you can always hold your head up high knowing that you were the bigger person when that happens. 

I am by no means a saint, nor am I what the world would deem slim and beautiful. But if everyday I work on myself, I have something to be proud of and humble about at the same time.

As long as everyday I can look at myself at the end of the day and say that I am the best me that I have ever been, better than 3 years ago, 2 months ago and even yesterday, I know that I'm on the right track. 

Hope you've been blessed.

Till next time

x

Jess.