s e l f l o v e

Not a very good start, huh?
A promise to update weekly and then an immediately broken promise haha. So sorry for the absence guys. It has been a very busy two weeks work wise as well as personally and I am actually exhausted right now but every time I remember I haven't updated, I feel guilty haha. So here I am.

Just a quick update on what I've been up to for you curious nosy people out there 😉

Outside of my pretty hectic work schedule, the other thing that has been keeping me occupied would be me setting myself up to meet up with and spend quality time with a few people who are very close to my heart especially since I'll be leaving soon for studies. (Flights are finally booked fyi! If you want the info contact me personally.)

My Breeze Magazine boss, Dino and myself at Miss Sabah Tourism Finals 2016

That ^ would be work. Haha. Okay so half the time working with Dino doesn't exactly feel like work. But there is definitely the other half which requires me to spend hours in front of a Microsoft Word document on my computer or proofreading other things on email and such. Just this week we've spent some really long hours just reading and rereading the articles for this month's issue for 3 days. But I came to the realisation that I never once regretted taking up this job.
I feel like work should be like this. That even though there are undoubtedly times where you're tired to the bones and could really use some sleep (preferably for a week straight) you still get up to go to work not just out of necessity but because it's something that drives you and pushes you forward. My boss Dino is a living representation of this. (Please get some sleep Dino.)

Also, like I said, I've been meeting up some really good friends as well as friends I haven't seen in a while.

In case you noticed the similarities, no I am not biased towards having friends who wear glasses, have have swept a certain way, like posing with the ✌ sign and are also of the male gender. But yeah those were some really good catch up times haha. That last picture was with 80% of the girls in the cell I co-lead at youth! It's really been such an honour and privilege to see them grow since I first started sharing with them. Ruth and I brought them out and blessed them with sushi. 😊

At this moment I still have about 3 meetups already planned and about 3 more to be planned and carried out before I leave. BUT, thankfully (albeit sadly) I'll be stopping at my full-time job next week so I'll be free-er. Haha.

Okay that was a very scatter-brained update. But I hope it's enough for now aha.

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I entitled this blog post "self love" because it's something that I know everybody struggles with at one point or another and it is something that I myself have been grappling with.

For most of my life, I lived believing that if I do better, if I act a certain way, people will accept me and people will compliment me and in receiving such compliments and acceptance, I will feel better about myself.

I don't really ever remember being skinny and I will always remember trying to copy dressing styles off of friends who were 'popular' or 'on trend'. But well, I was never quite as well off and some of those clothes and hairstyles, well they cost quite a bit of money. Remember in 2006 when the 'in' thing was to have stick straight hair and side swept bangs? Yeah I wanted that so badly. Ultimately, now I am glad I never got my hair rebonded because I would have lost my natural waves and well, it would have been extra damage underneath me damaging my hair by dying it so often haha.

Before, when I was a kid, I think I may have been skinny? When I look back at pictures, yeah I'd say now that I wasn't too big sized. But boy did I believe I was fat.

So, unsurprisingly I grew up with many insecurities. And this did a big number on my ego initially. I was always trying to cover up my need for acceptance by being very bossy. It was either that or I was grovelling for sympathy from my friends. Saying I was sad, not well off, or whatever. I lied through my teeth so often and so easily to get some sort of comfort either in praise or sympathy that it just became a part of me. All this to just be able to fit in. There was plenty of false humility and false inflated ego. No in between.

I'm not sure when this started or why it happened, but I went through it. Now, with all this happening in primary school, by the time I really hit puberty in Form 1, I was a depressed, awkward, fake mess. I'd like to believe that I hid this well, but I also know that to those who looked closely, they could see how cracked I was and how I was always barely holding on to myself. All this was evident in the way I was dating one guy and then another and then another and then another and how I was still lying. Honestly, I don't think I had much of a break in between some of them. But then again, why would I have wanted a break? I had convinced myself into believing that their words, touch, affection, acceptance, want for me, was what was keeping me from killing myself every other day.

Now I look back and I realised that miraculously I hadn't done it all just for selfish ambition. Most of the guys I dated were in one way or another "broken" or needed fixing of some sort (in my eyes at that time). One smoked, one had asthma, one was insecure etc etc. Of course, now I realise I could not have possibly been the one to "fix" them because I myself was so broken. In fact, in one or two cases I believe I might have made things worse.

On top of that, as I grew older I began to realise that I wasn't the only one really hurting and I believe that that moment when I saw how hurt the world was was when I really turned off my concern for myself and threw myself completely into helping others and reaching out to those who felt so similarly to how I did.

That was in no way healthier than what I was doing previously because then I was completely ignoring the fact that I too, needed help.

When I hit 18 and had made enough mistakes and accumulated enough hurt to last a lifetime, my eyes really opened. How could I help and reach out to those lost, when I myself had no direction? So that year, I buckled down and really really focused on learning to better and love myself.

It really hasn't been all sunshine and happiness since then. Every now and again I'd still feel the depression trying to creep back in; especially in the form of negative thoughts. Honestly, some days are better than others. But not all days are great. Which is the truth because this is real life and there is no such thing as happily ever after. You will get sad, you will fall down, you will hurt, you will get angry. But really it is how you handle yourself and the situation after that that determines how you get through after that. Like I said in my previous post, attitude. It really makes a difference.

Since then, I've been doing a few things that have really helped in aiding me in accepting and learning to love myself. I know that I am by no means skinny. And I am well aware that much of the male population doesn't find my body type "hot" or "beautiful". There was a time where this would have hurt a lot and where I would have just fallen in love with any ol' guy who calls me beautiful. But now I know that as cliche as it is, I know that if I can love myself through my actions, my intentions, my interests and such, I can believe I am beautiful and someone special out there will see that too.

Here is a massive tip to loving yourself: it's all in your head. And whatever you believe in your head, needs to have a balance. You need to love yourself and believe you are good enough and only getting better. You need to be proud of yourself and all you've survived and achieved so far. You need to be able to look in the mirror, look past the flesh and be happy of what you've done. At the same time you need to be humble, accepting praise yet being able to say and know that there is still more to learn, more to achieve, more to reach for (basically, don't become big headed airhead.)

Personally, when I work on myself, one of the biggest motivating factors for me is this: I want to be, the best that I can be to attract the best kind of people for me. Now this bit is a little bit tricky. It's easy to just say "I want to be the kind of lady/guy that guys/ladies like." because truthfully, the world is full of very colourful personalities. If you just claim that, then you're gona be very focused on improving just your flesh. Because whether we like it or not, people definitely look at the outward appearance. But you need someone who will do more than just look at you and say hot damn. What is the point of having someone if you can't even share your passions, your interests, humour, humanity. That's why I specifically say "the best kind of person for me".

Too many times, I've fallen for someone merely because they play an instrument well (you gotta admit, it's pretty hot), or are cute physically but when it came down to personality, we had dirt in common.

Nowadays, I am grateful because I am happier with what interests me (comics and music), and more often than not I look in the mirror and feel better about my body. But it is an ever constant work-in-progress. There are still more days than I'd like to admit where I look at the mirror and feel absolutely shattered. But I am sure that one day I'll be able to look in the mirror and feel more proud than sad.

So if you'd like to continue reading (congratulations again, on reading through that mess haha) I'd like to share some tips on how to improve yourself and also to increase your self love.

STEP 1: WORK ON IT. 

Whatever it is that you're unhappy about, it's really pointless to just sit around and sulk about it. So get up, go to the gym, go for a run, pick up a book, read, gain knowledge. You'd be surprised how proud you'll feel of yourself after the first day. Take that healthy pride and use it to push yourself forward and dont. give. up.

STEP 2: SURROUND YOURSELF WITH GREAT PEOPLE.

This, is my second brother's girlfriend. Whom I've grown quite attached to. She visited recently and honestly she's just great. Even by just sitting and listening to me talk about work or my boss or my feelings she gives me such encouragement. My boss, Dino is also a great encouragement. His trust in me really does wonders for my self esteem. Surround yourself positivity and learn how to be infected by it. Allow it to influence you. Don't question it.

STEP 3: STAY HUMBLE AND THANKFUL.

This, is my eldest brother haha. And he's been one of my biggest rolemodels when it comes to humility. My brother is talented, smart, and athletic. But he's one of the most down to earth and wise people I know. Sometimes, it's a little hard to read him. But when he lives out his life,  by his actions you could never doubt him. 

I've learnt that when I open my eyes, see the great friends I'm surrounded with, the house I am able to stay in, the food I am able to eat everyday, it does wonders for my happiness. When you can see blessings in the small things, your outlook on life becomes brighter. 

STEP 4: FIND SOMETHING THAT WORKS FOR YOU.

*lowkey trying to show off my new glasses haha*

Our world is so focused on trying to fit in that we all dress the same, act the same and even enjoy eating and drinking similar things. 

The truth is, not everyone looks good in that dress, but even if that dress doesn't work for you, you could werk some other skirt that those who look good in that dress can't pull off. 

The truth is, not everyone is a size 2. And that is totally okay. 

The truth is, you can like whatever food you want to like. Just because your best friend likes vanilla coke doesn't mean you have to be all over it when deep down you despise it.

Find things that bring out your best side and reminds you of how unique and how you can totally slay. 

STEP 5: BE THE BIGGER PERSON. 

I don't have a picture for this one sorry but this is really fundamental. Have you ever seen a waiter's face light up when you thank them for something small like bringing you your drink? Some people don't think it's necessary because "it's their jobs ma, need thank wat?" but really, if you were in their position, you'll feel very unappreciated. When you witness them appreciating your appreciation, I guarantee it'll make yourself feel better about yourself. Sometimes, it's a little harder to carry out this step because not everyone whom you give kindness to, returns it. But you can always hold your head up high knowing that you were the bigger person when that happens. 

I am by no means a saint, nor am I what the world would deem slim and beautiful. But if everyday I work on myself, I have something to be proud of and humble about at the same time.

As long as everyday I can look at myself at the end of the day and say that I am the best me that I have ever been, better than 3 years ago, 2 months ago and even yesterday, I know that I'm on the right track. 

Hope you've been blessed.

Till next time

x

Jess. 

a t t i t u d e

I have a feeling this is gonna be kind of a long post. But I'll try not to bore you guys to death haha. 

So if you follow me on Twitter and Snapchat, you would know that I’m currently working. 

And I love my jobs. 

Yes, jobs: plural. I work full time as a scriptwriter, editor and research assistant at a film company here in KK and am also a contributing writer for Breeze Magazine – Sabah’s first lifestyle magazine. 

I am absolutely and completely proud of my jobs.

Most people don’t really know how I came about these jobs though, so here’s a little backstory. If you don’t want to know, or already do, you can just skip right over it. 😊

When I was 18 I took a gap year. I didn’t plan to, it sort of just happened. I didn’t leave immediately after SPM because my parent’s didn’t think I was ready to leave the nest and personally when I look back, I know now that I wasn’t either. But a whole year before going back to official studies was not what we had in mind. Plans changed often. First I was going to apply for teaching school in June. Then I was going for a Psychology diploma in September. But ideas kept falling through as new opportunities arose and different situations appeared. Before you knew it, a whole year had passed and I had gone through 4 different jobs – a cake decorator and cashier at a bakery, a kindergarten Chinese teacher (which coincidentally became the reason I didn’t end up going for the teaching course by the way haha) an administrative staff at a further studies consultation office which also does English tuition along with drama classes and such and last but not least I secured an attachment with a local law firm.

Other things were happening of course such as my surgery (which is a story for a different time), Nationals for floorball and also my church’s musical at the end of the year. It was without a doubt one of the most fulfilling years of my life and I found a lot of who I was and what I wanted to achieve because of that year. 

But, as you can tell from my past experiences, I didn’t have much experience when it came to working in F&B as well as retail. I had a grand scheme to actually experience how little appreciation waiters and store assistants get. I wanted to feel it first-hand so I would know how to better treat these people in the future. Also, I thought it’d be fun. I’d get either free food or discounts at the stores. Haha.

So that was what I set out to apply for when I graduated from college in June and had time to kill before going to Uni this September. 3 places hired me almost immediately. However, it became apparent to me that (obviously) this line of work required my Saturday nights. Now, youth meetings are on Saturday nights.  I’m a cell leader at my church’s youth. And that part of my life means a lot to me because I’ve always kept my generation as well as the generation after me close to my heart. And being able to help, encourage, nurture and impart something in their lives is a great privilege.

Foolishly, I thought that maybe my time as a youth leader was up – just so I could go pursue some idea of gaining more experience. I approached my youth pastor to tell him I may have less time with my girls in the cell than I initially thought I had.

He looked at me funny. Now I know it was because in his heart he knew that it was not time for me to leave. Him being the wise-guy he is then asked me to keep looking and to hope I stumble upon somewhere I want to be that would also allow me Saturday nights off. At this point, one of my closest friends David who was in on the conversation told me I should start writing again. This time, it was my turn to look at somebody funny. Because without him knowing, he was probably the 3^rd person in the span of a few weeks to bring up my writing. I believe that nothing is a coincidence so somewhere in my gut I felt that I really should look into this whole writing thing. So I said, alright. If it’s meant to be, it will happen. And it happened.

Now, even though I’m not in F&B or retail, I’m as happy as can be. I get to spend as much time with my cell girls before I leave and I have 2 jobs that make my heart full. People would think that me being me, I wouldn’t be able to sit still all day in an office just typing and searching on my laptop. I itch to explore and move about. But the beauty of the nature of my job is that despite the hours behind a desk, I’m also blessed enough to be able to go out in the ‘field’. Especially with my job as a contributor to the magazine. I’ve met so many amazing people, and have and will have the chance to go to amazing places as well.

(Speaking of jobs for the magazine, I should be writing a very important one for the upcoming 100^th issue right now but really I’m writing this. Haha. If you ever read this, sorry Dino. But I promise I’m not procrastinating that much. I’m waiting on answers from about a gazillion people so that I can piece it together. So really, you shouldn’t be mad. Haha)

I know those who are on my snapchat will have seen that yesterday I was at the office till this morning. Haha. But you know what, despite it sometimes being stressful and requiring me to push myself, I’m still greatly appreciative of my jobs. They’re preparing me for the future. And I really don’t mind because my colleagues are great people.

Here’s why I brought up my jobs. My bosses are incredible people. Rachel and Dino are two of the loveliest people I have ever had the honour of meeting. Rachel has been kind enough to allow me to take on the Breeze job despite working for her full time. If I ever need to take half a day or even a whole day of just to meet Dino or to get things done for the magazine, she never fails to lets me go with so much grace. If it wasn’t for her, I really wouldn’t be in such an amazing situation.

I don't have any pictures of/with Rachel sadly haha.

As you’ve read earlier or already know, I’ve had many jobs and many bosses. They were all different, great and unique in their own individual ways. But these two really take the cake because most times, it doesn’t even feel like they’re my bosses. It is very refreshing as a young person to feel that someone quite a bit older than me thinks and treats me as an equal and not only that, always has my best interests at heart.

I don’t want you to assume that this has something to do with me bribing them with brownies or etc and I have special privilege (I haven't yet unleashed my baking upon them haha but I plan to soon purely because of gratitude). Really, the two of them are like this with everyone they meet as well as all their staff. I get to write more about how great Dino is as a boss in Breeze’s upcoming 100^th issue which I told you I was working on. So if you want to find out more about him and his office staff, grab August’s issue when it comes out. 😊

Working with Rachel and Dino has really increased my gratefulness and attitude. Don’t get me wrong, technically I’m not a teenager anymore because the word ‘teen’ is out of the word and number which depicts my age. But I think I’m going to need about 4 years to adjust to this whole young adult thing. Haha. Because of that, every now and again I still have a little burst of teenage angst. Just recently I had a heated ‘discussion’ with my parents over dinner. My parents are excellent and I’m very grateful for them as well as blessed to call them mine. But we are all human, and we do disagree sometimes.

After that argument, I had to chastise myself. Firstly, I have a rule. I like to remember that really, we don’t know when our times here on earth are up. What’s gonna happen if I argue with somebody and the next time I hear about them, they’ve passed on? Dramatic, I know. But it changes my attitude. This way, I teach myself to be more understanding as well as more patient and happy with everyone around me. Spreading positivity is important to me.

Secondly, I actually owe so much to my parents. When I was leading cell last week, we had a new girl in our group. She was only 10 but we tried to encourage her to participate anyways. I asked the girls to come up with 5 things they were grateful for that week. The first thing the 10 year old said to me was “How can I be grateful if there’s nothing to be thankful for?”

I won’t lie to you, I was so shocked I almost couldn’t answer her. How a 10 year old could answer so maturely as well as so straightforwardly kind of shook my momentum for a bit. But I guess that that’s the beauty of kids, huh? They’re painfully blunt.

The truth is that, yes it is easy to believe that there is hardly anything to be grateful for. Why? Because we’re used to this life. We’re used to having a roof over our heads as well as food in our stomachs when we need it. We’ve grown accustomed to the little blessings we have in life. But when you look at the small things in life. It is so easy to be grateful.

I’m grateful that my parents try their hardest to provide me with the best education possible.

I’m grateful for the rain over the past few evenings – a nice change from the heat a few weeks ago.

I’m grateful that my parents insisted on my first 2^nd hand car being a manual because you know what? It’s pretty impressive for a female to drive one kinda by choice. I pride myself in being able to drive a manual decently well as well as happily so.

I’m thankful for all the times my dad dropped me at the lobby to walk to church so I wouldn’t have to walk a far distance if he couldn’t get a parking space nearby.

I’m thankful for all the times I liked/needed something from the store and my parents went out of their way to get it for me. In monatary terms we are not rich, really. But they love me so much that they oblige and spoil me anyways. 

I’m grateful that I’m surrounded by amazing friends who make me laugh and are always encouraging and honest with me.

Sorry if you're not in these pictures. There are just too many to post. Doesn't mean I love you any less haha.

There truly are too many things to be grateful for, and that’s why I believe your attitude really determines how your life works out. Determination is good. But what I believe gets you further is humility as well as gratefulness. A realisation that sometimes you don’t deserve what you get – good or bad and yet there is still so much to be happy and content about. You don’t need to think too hard about it. You don’t have to be rich, popular or what the world deems as beautiful to be happy. Happiness can simply be found in contentment. Of course I’m not asking you to settle for second best. Work hard, yes. But stay humble.

😊

On a slightly lighter note, am I the only one who is completely sick of the whole drama between Kim K and her squad vs TaySwift’s? Legit, I’m so annoyed. Every time I see something related to it on my timelines I subconsciously sigh. I didn’t even realise until someone asked me why I sighed.

The drama is alright I guess. I mean, good for them they’re getting publicity and whatever and yadayada. But you know what really grinds my gears? (ha, meme reference) The fact that the media as well as the social world are tearing apart the celebrities that are sick of the drama and just want to get something more positive to trend. It is easy to assume that Selena and CGM sided Tay because they simply didn’t agree with Kim and maybe they are lowkey doing that but what they were saying was really relevant: asking others to use their voices for better purposes than ripping apart each other’s careers.

 And I admire them for that. But does the media see it that way? Nope, the media twists it around, which turns those who are against Tay, against them as well. Which is so unfair. Makes me kind of sick.

Attitudes and perspectives people. Attitudes and perspectives.

Anyways, if you made it this far into my blog post without skipping anything and without getting bored, congratulations. It’s pretty lengthy. Sorry about that. You are now rewarded with its end. Haha.

Till the next post,

x

Jess

f r e s h

Okay, so I've spent way too much time editing my layout. You know when you keep rewriting or looking at a word for a long period of time, the word starts looking weird/like its spelled wrong? That was me, editing my blog layout.

Legit, I've been editing and reediting my biography, my blog URL, my fonts, backgrounds. Trying to make it look like I didn't even try, and it still looks good. You feel me?

I'd try to fool myself into believing that it's because I want you - my beloved readers who realistically are just my friends and family - to feel comfortable, whimsical and content with my choice of font and background.

The truth is that I think I'm nervous. This is a total revamp. I haven't done personal blogging since I was like I don't know 12? Haha. But in recent events it's become evident to me that writing is something that I shouldn't give up. I was once passionate enough about it to ask my friends and teachers to challenge me into writing impromptu fictional stories in a day from one word.

Jess, you said personal blogging then you talk about fictional stories??? 

Yeah, okay I'm a bit scatterbrained right now. So I'll try to explain my thoughts as clearly as possible through text. (For someone who believes she expresses herself better through written word than spoken word, I'm doing very well at contradicting myself aren't I. lol.)

I didn't start a totally new blog because writing inspirational fictional pieces is still something very close to my heart and I would love to continue one day. But I'm starting out with personal blogging again because story-writing is a muscle I have not worked out in a long time and I'm VERY rusty. Most of what I've written recently has just made me question if I even had a gift in the first place. (ha)

The hope is that by getting in the habit of writing more frequently, fictional or not, I'll begin to get back in the swing of things and the word flow will come easier.

So thank you, to those who voted on my Twitter poll encouraging me to get back into blogging.
Thank you, to those who found my blog url through my instagram and twitter, read my posts from 3 years ago, and asked me why I stopped.
You guys are the reason this is happening again and I'm thankful. Scared, but thankful.

I'll try to blog at least once a week. If I don't, I'm sure Abi will push me to it ha. (Thanks love, you were my main motivation.)

I hope this blogpost was not to cliche and cringy. 

x
Jess